Letting Go

I read somewhere that the goal of a parent should be to establish independence in a child; don't do for a child what he can do for himself.

As the (usual) sole caregiver of two young children, my life for the past four to five years has been revolving around doing things for them. Preparing their meals, changing them, bringing them to the toilet, the bathing, the cleaning up, the sleeping preparation, etc etc etc.

Gabe has always been a good help, but his fine motor skills required more polishing, and me being a typical Chinese Singaporean mother held him back a little with independence. But he managed to feed himself from age one plus, was toilet trained at exactly two, put on his own shoes at three. Being a second time mother gave me more room to close one eye and Rou took on these roles even earlier. She fed herself by one plus as well (when and if she wanted to eat), was toilet trained before turning two, put on her own shoes at two.

Recently there was a sudden spike in the learning curve in the two kids. Gabe's was mainly due to the training received at school while Rou's was a mixture of her personality and just plain the-time-is-right. One afternoon, I was hanging up the kids' towels after showering them, and the reality of my children's development hit me. Gabe dried himself, both kids put on their own clothes (inner and outer wear), with Gabe picking out his own clothes. They took out a fresh pair of socks from their individual wardrobes, wore them (Gabe aided his sister), put on their shoes and we trotted out of the house. Me? I hung up the towels, changed, closed the windows, slipped into my choice of footwear, locked the door and we were out.

It hit me that I was more relaxed and there was more me-time. But I can't help but step back, look at them, look at myself, and the span of these five years, and smile. How things have changed. Letting go and giving the kids room to grow. My role as a mother is changing. Their dependence is giving way to more freedom, but there will come a day, soon, where I will have to cope with a different kind of "letting go". It's a constant learning journey for both child and parent. And this journey never ends, it only changes...

Twit the Wit

The kids seem quite different these last few weeks. It's as if they have grown up a lot more, with the year drawing to a close, and are straddling between their actual age and the age they will turn in a few months' time. With that especially, comes interesting conversation. Some startle me, as we traverse new ground; some tickle me, with the child-like innocence with which it was spoken; some simply make me burst out laughing.

Every once in a while, kids being kids, will amuse parents with these moments which make them feel that parenting is so worthwhile. Never mind that they had to endure grueling days and nights of routine and nonsense where they doubt the identity of these angels of theirs. So when the last few weeks have been dotted with such surprises, imagine the difference it made for me.

Putting these thanksgivings here as good reminders for years later, and a little bit of sunshine for the occasional cloudier days.

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Rou: I am now a girl.

Me: Mei, you've always been a girl, and will always be a girl.

Gabe: That's right mei mei. You will never be a boy. I am a boy and will always be a boy.

(Couldn't help but think of the surgical possibilities available in this day and age while replying the daughter.)

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Lady at restaurant was making arrangements for derod's birthday cake, and asked if we would like the traditional "Happy Birthday" song to be played over the sound system. Stifling fits of laughter, my parents and I gave the go-ahead.

Gabe: What, mummy? What's happening?

Me: *whispering in his ear* The restaurant is going to play the happy birthday song when they bring the cake out for papa. We have to sing together loudly for papa ok?

Gabe: *responses in whisper* OK. Why are you speaking quietly in my ear?

Me: *whispers* Because it's a surprise and we don't want papa to hear us.

Gabe: *whispers* ohhh... ok.

Derod: *looking at our sheepish exchange* What are you two talking about?

Gabe: *speaking loudly, waving his hands and shaking his head* Nothing!! Nothing!! We didn't say anything. We didn't say anything.

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At the dinner table one evening, while munching on his food,

Gabe: Papa, I'm going out tomorrow.

Derod and I glanced at each other. We had been told by our 4 year old son of his plans for the next day. Turns out he was only telling his father the plans I had told him about, but that informative voice, coupled with the tone of finality was just too funny. Well, at least we know what to expect 12 years from now.

More than just a train ride

One never really knows the impact of those thoughtless words and attitudes until it shows up in the most unexpected ways. From the time Gabe was able to reason, he has been told by my parents that he should never stray from our company, let go of our hands or be out of our line of vision when we are out, or "bad men" will come and take him away from us. And in all honesty, derod and I have reinforced this, only using different means.

Recently, the kids have been watching a series of documentaries and one scene left a lasting impression. A herd of reindeers was jostling their way from some plains to higher ground and in the midst of all the chaos, a calf got separated from his mother. She stayed behind for days, searching for it to no avail, as it became food for some eagles. Not contented with what the narrator had to offer, Gabe asked for a detailed explanation and I had to say that it was tough for the calf to stay close to the mother amidst all the pushing and shoving and gave an example of our family on a crowded night along Orchard Road, emphasized the importance of holding hands in a crowd and concluded the conversation.

Today, I took the kids by MRT down to Orchard Road. During rush hour. After we alighted, Gabe wanted to stay and watch the train go off. Both kids were an arm's length from me on the platform and the doors were closing. Gabe hurried toward his sister and wrapped his arms around her gently. After a while, she tried to move and in his attempt to hang on to her, he turned aggressive. I intervened and asked him to articulate the motive and reason for his actions. He had wanted to make sure meimei doesn't run into the train, and wanted to keep her safe by hanging on to her.

I was touched by his consideration for her. It doesn't happen very often. He could have applied this concept to himself, by hanging on to the adults and ensuring that he was safe. But he looked out for his sister, and this for me, was a great assurance that despite all the fighting, he cares for her well-being.

But the other thought that struck me was how we instill fear in the children through threats like these. No doubt that the presence of danger is real, we have often resorted to acquiring compliance through fear. Perhaps I too should articulate my motives and seek methods less "aggressive" toward the final goal of the children's well-being.

Cheoklet Migrates

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Green Fingers

I've been toying with the idea of setting up my own little herb "garden" for years. Finally got my big butt up and moving. Did minimal homework: surfed for information, spoke to various ones, made a trip to a nursery to see what's available, and finally got down to purchasing.

Doing a mixture of planting herbs from seed, and buying some grown ones. So, if anyone needs some mint or basil, and if my thyme and parsley grow out well, I'll be happy to let you have some.

I never knew starting a new hobby could cost this much! And the different soils and stuff I have to buy, made me realise there's really more than just watering the plants. Derod paid for everything happily! And while I was the one exclaiming how crazy a planter box or a bracket costs, he was the one saying that there will surely be a start up cost to any hobby. And he said that growing and tending to the plants could teach me something about God too. I didn't think of it that way before, so I'll wait and see what lessons await me.

All set to start up

You guessed it! It's taken from the kids' set of beach toys. Whatever works.

Tadah! Now to see if I have green fingers.

Alcoholic Me

I love the soups and tonics that come with confinement. Auntie brews a fresh, large portion of 药材汤 for lunch and dinner everyday. For supper, I get another bowl of tonics, varying between duzhong for strengthening the back, black chicken with cordyceps and tonic XO.

I probably consumed two bottles of XO after giving birth to Gabe but this round, the portion was doubled. Auntie would double boil about a cup (normal drinking mug) of the liquor with meat/ bones for two to three hours, during which she would refrain from entering the kitchen due to its strong aroma. She said that since I am "a good drinker", it would be good to take the XO more frequently for it can strengthen my body. I think I averaged a bowl every two or three nights.

Me and my trophies - four bottles of XO in one month.

The Avent milk bottle looks pretty tiny next to the big brothers.

I Thank God for You

I was clearing up our cluttered study room and found a couple of handwritten notes to Derod. They are obviously rather dated, since no one really writes very much anymore.

This one from alwayseeking had so much humor in the thanksgiving.
"Thank you for your heart of joy to serve that makes my service so delightful. Thank you for your kindness and willingness to patiently help with my queries. Thank you for your arms so strong to help carry and move the instruments. Thank you for your mega-watt smile that makes the world so much sweeter. You are such a blessing!"

We were supposed to write a note of appreciation to each other as husband and wife and I found my note to derod.
"You are special because:
You have amazing discipline to do what you have to do/ think is important.
You have that unique heehee laughter.
Nobody loves me like you do.
You make friends so easily and bless them because you are you.
You have crazy ideas you never carry out, like keep long hair and cook fried rice.
You are a walking movie dictionary.
You are quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
You love your job and are great at what you do.
For these reasons and more, I appreciate you."

Derod has been nothing but supportive all these years, especially after the kids came along. Honestly, I wouldn't know what I'd be like without him. Yeah, and that includes irritatingly funny, nonsensical part of him too. Yes, you are such a blessing and for these reasons and more, I appreciate you.