It's in God's Hands

As much as the family is anticipating a little new life from us, some bad news has come knocking on the door.

The man who brought my mother up has a rather confusing relationship with us. He was just a stranger who took on the burden of my mother, a man whom I've been addressing as kao fu (uncle). Not too long ago, they went through a "formal" session of getting her to be their god-daughter. So now, I have an uncle who's also my god-grandfather, but who's really my grandfather since it was him who brought my mum up since she was 2 days old.

Kao fu was diagnosed with cancer some years ago but being the ever energetic man, nothing gets him down, not even the multiple cycles of chemotherapy. You could hardly tell this was a man going through something so severe. He was eating well, still going for his outdoor photography sessions regularly, all the normal activities. It was during the final cycle that his condition took a sudden and drastic turn downward. Today, we have made major adjustments to our family routines and arrangments so that someone can be around to look after him throughout the day. He can hardly walk, stays in bed much of the time and complains of pains and aches that wont go away. The optimistic and modern man (his skills at photography and photoshop won him many an award) is now no longer there. He is currently making arrangements to "pass on" his skills and all the physical assets he possesses.

It doesnt look good, and he seems to be ahead of us in planning for it. No one knows how much time he has left. When i hear people say things like "I wish my relative can get to do such-and-such-a-thing before he/she leaves this world", I've always felt a little more objectivity should be given to life and God and His control. But today, I find myself saying, I hope Kao fu gets to carry my baby and hopefully even hear baby call him "tai gong" before it all comes to a close...

My (New) Body Parts

My mum bought Ethan a set of children's charts, one of them showing the different parts of the body. Guess it's not just one-year olds who have to learn their body parts, cos I seem to need to too, since things have changed pretty much of late. At 5 months now, here're some of my own lessons:

- Diaphragm. It has shifted out of the location I think it should be in; I think it's now higher up, nearer my stomach than before, which makes it harder for me to sing cos the breathing is just wrong!

- Veins! I caught sight of some spider veins appearing at my right ankle, the one which got dislocated in 1996. Guess the poorer blood circulation is causing this phenomenon. Spider veins, as the name suggests, are purplish-redish small veins that spread out like a spider web. The book says that it should go away after the bb is delivered. The other scary one is the potential of others developing into varicose veins on the same ankle. Some of them are looking really ... potential. Must rotate ankles more and raise feet above hips when at home.

- Hair. I always found it gross to hear of women who grow hair on their stomachs when they are expecting, anticipating them to be like those on the mole on the lao tee koh's face. But apparently, it's not all that gross hehe. I found the hair on my tummy (like those on hands and legs) growing thicker and at a faster rate. Perhaps it's due to the moisturizers I'm been slapping on? Derod says now my tummy looks like a man's chest. So exaggerated *bleah*

- Baby in the tummy! Bb's movements are really precise, and much more frequent now. The other day, I was lounging on the daybed and decided to observe whether there are any visible movements. Well, I'm not disappointed ; ) I can see the tummy pulsating and twiching with some of bb's movements. Got so excited, so told derod he has to sit down and watch too. But bb seems to know and refused to move at all! My mum said they know... and purposely refuse to move just when u want to see.

And other things have changed too. I can no longer do simple actions like lift my feet up to wash my toes during bath time. Have to find some other acrobatic postures from now. I can no longer change my sleeping position from my left to my right in one smooth motion. I can no longer sit on the small stool and have my dinner at the coffee table while watching tv. Tummy's in the way and the food cant go down as well. I can no longer sleep through the night. I'm either up peeing, or just get awaken for no reason.

Well, these changes can be quite fun, but let's hope the next few months wont bring about too many that are hard to adjust to. ; )

Trip to A&E

Made a trip to A&E on Tuesday afternoon.

It began on Monday morning while I was on my transport on the way to work. Not too long after boarding did I experience this acute pain on the side of my stomach and it didnt let up at all. After 45 mins of it, I finally threw up into a plastic bag on the bus. Uncle was quite taken aback. The remaining part of the morning saw more plastic bag episodes. The pain was quite disturbing so I called up Joanne and asked for advise. She said better call the gynae and check. His nurse took the call and said that it could be something bad I ate since I had diarrohea the previous night. But if it doesnt let up, then I should just come to A&E, or visit gynae on his clinic days.

But things were quite fine, until Tuesday afternoon. After lunch, it was that same acute pain, and let's just say I wasted time eating the lunch. So I decided to go to A&E to check things out. Vince was so sweet, he came and drove me there. Derod said his class wont end till 4 pm and he'll be there as soon as he could. But he got so distracted and worried that he ran off to cancel his class and took a cab down to NUH. After waiting for more than 1.5 hrs, we finally saw the doctor, who narrowed the diagnosis down to two options: one, I have kidney stones; two, it's just a gastric thing and he'll prescribe some magnesium-something to take care of it. But I should watch it and come back if the pain persists or make an earlier appointment with the gynae.

They gave me a day of rest yesterday and I'm back at work again today. Hope that all things will be fine. I'm starting to feel baby move; the movements are more precise now. Come end of this month, we'll go through a detailed scan and also find out if it's a boy or a girl.

Are you prepared?

Can one ever be ready enough to take on the role of parenthood? How does one react to the responsibilities that come as a result of having a child? I suppose these are some thoughts that run through the minds of every parent, or every parent-to-be. But I certainly did not expect that these begin tumbling onto my lap, not at the birth of a child, but at his/ her conception.

June, July and August consisted of trying days of simply feeling sick. I cant even explain where sick, why sick, what exactly I mean when I say I feel sick, but I just feel sick. There are also days where my body feels like I'm hot from the inside, but cold from the outside, yeah, that kind of feeling you get when you're about to come down with a really bad fever. But no fever ever develops out of this. So, I suppose it's just part and parcel of the unique symptoms each woman experiences at this point in life.

Late August and September saw me starting on feeling nauseous to the point of wanting to throw up, 24:7. Then, when I hit the 12th week of pregnancy, I started the dry vomit stunt. You know how those women on drama serials gag and gag yet nothing comes out, then they suspect they are pregnant? Yeah, I was doing that. To my horror and disappointment, this phenomenon turned into a real puking episode, again, 24:7. From then on, everyday could be a potential "day". If I'm fine, I'm fine. Once I go, the whole day will be plagued with threats of retching and eventually, you know...

I'm still here, at 19 weeks of pregnancy, still going through what would have abandoned most women after 3 months. So, who said motherhood begins when your child is born? Isnt the 9-month journey of carrying this growing child the beginning of my journey as a mother? (Oh gosh, I'm gonna be a mother!?)

But I thank God that through all these tiring and trying days, I've not once entertained irritation, impatience and other bad thoughts, despite the character that I am. And, derod has been a really great support. He's so accommodating, so nice to take over some chores on his own initiative and never complaining, so sweet to accede to all my requests like a glass of water here and there, a massage for my ever-tense shoulders, etc.

So well, let's hope the baby will continue to grow healthily and normally and may my days of agony pass soon.

Surprise me?

You know, all these years I've quipped that derod is not one who can execute surprises, if and when he gets down to attempting at one. Yesterday we celebrated our anniversary, the one when we got attached. And last week, I was casually asking him when his term break for his NTU studies would be. He said he didnt know. So when bro-in-law lent us the car for Monday and Tuesday, I was still going on about how convenient it would be for him to drive home after school, and he can get home earlier, it'll be so much better, yadah yadah. So our friend agreed to everything I said.

It wasnt till the horrendous jam we got into yesterday morning along the expressway that I discovered this was the week of his term break! His palm was beeping non-stop, reminding him of a class he's already late for. So he took it out and asked me to clear the reminder. The page automatically reverted to his calendar for the day after I did so, and i saw "NTU term break" on the top! So confused! When I asked him, he said, "sigh... want to surprise you also cannot."

So I was stuck in between being elated (cos he wanted to take me out to celebrate the anniversary) and duhified (to think I've been going on and on and he's just playing along). But it still doesnt change the fact he failed at another attempt to surprise hehehheehe

Chocolate and Me

It's been days since I've had a hearty meal, all because of the nausea. So, the ability to finish a large packet of rice (Malay stall auntie was too generous, even when I requested for less rice) and having it sit well inside me, is really a miracle. I was fine until chocolate samples in various forms were passed around my office. We were supposed to try whether they were nice and if so, they will be bought for visitors who come by. Now I'm feeling a bit sick... looks like I'm not a chocolate person, not when I'm pregnant. Either that, or my baby doesnt like it haha

The LIST

Is it a boy? Is it a girl? I've no idea... yet. Many are more curious than the parents-to-be themselves. What name are you going to give to your kid? The Autumn Man has told us to draw up a list, not of the potential names we could christen him/ her, but those you should steer clear of.

Now, we all have had our fair share of stories of killer names. I don't think we want to destroy our kid's life, so well, here goes the gathering of the LIST (boys' names only):

- Michael
- Reuben
- Ben
- Boonson (my very own creation, which derod decided his very own self is at stake)
- Fred
- Daniel
- Eli (not that i want my kid to be called Eli...)

Oh, did I mention? I'm married to Mr. Tan.